April 9 2011

"She had the shivers and butterflies inside."
"In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said."-Pablo Neruda

Today, Leonard and I spent our first day together.  Or...well...together...as a couple...

I woke up curled next to him on his couch, leaning against his chest, his arm around me.  I leaned my head back and looked at his face, so peaceful and sweet.  He woke up when I moved and smiled at me...when he smiles, he gets these little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes...laugh lines, I think they're called.  I love those lines...

It's silly, but I felt a little nervous.  I've known Leonard a long time, but...I don't know...I found myself feeling...different.  I was a little...nervous?  No, that's not quite it...expectant? Curious?  I'm still not quite sure.  I think everything feels a little surreal...I've wanted this for such a long time, and now, here it is, in my hands...

He lit a cigarette and we carried in my stuff from his truck.  It's Saturday, so there wasn't anywhere either of us had to be...we just went through the house, putting my stuff away...he had made space in the last few days.  It wasn't that hard, I didn't bring a lot.  I didn't need a lot...  When we were done, I took a shower and changed clothes.  

While he showered, I cooked breakfast.  That seems like a little thing, but I didn't do it very much before.  Today, for him, I wanted to...and I wanted to keep my hands busy.  Cooking and baking...that's what I do when I get nervous and don't know what else to do.

When it was ready we ate...at the kitchen table...like adults.  Andy and I never did that..we always ate in front of the TV.  Always.  Eating at the table...again, it's a little thing.  But feeling like you have someone's full attention...that's not so little.  It's nice.

  When we finished eating, he asked me if I was feeling nervous.  I smiled and nodded.  Between the food and the fact that I was being quiet, he said, he figured I was.  He got up and put the plates in the sink and went into the other room.  When he came back in, he had a pack of cards in his hands.  He dealt out the cards and we played Rummy.  I'm good at it...I usually win...except against him...he's got some kind of voodoo magic at it, I swear...  Him crushing me at cards made me feel normal again.  I relaxed and we had fun, just being silly and stupid.  We played until we were hungry again.

He took me out to Amigos, the Mexican restaurant in town, and we ate and had a beer.  And talked and laughed...and talked and laughed...  Even our silences weren't awkward ones.  With anybody else, I hate lulls in the conversation...I always start babbling on and on when they happen.  When I'm with him, though, I don't feel the need to fill that empty space with chatter.  I can just be and the quiet is ok.

We finished eating and he drove us back to his place.  When we walked in the door, he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him and  kissed me.  He is a master of surprise kisses...and I am a big fan of an unexpected kiss...when it comes from him.

I had always thought that I didn't like kissing.  I avoided it...I didn't understand why people liked it so much...  The first time he ever kissed me, I realized that anyone who had ever kissed me before was doing it wrong...  With him, when he kisses me, I understand all those crazy references...fireworks, time standing still...all of it.  He made me understand what the fuss was all about.

What started out as a surprise kiss, turned more...sensual...passionate...romance novel words for the hubba hubba kind of kiss...a kind of kiss I am not really used to.  I never got that kind of kiss from Andy...which finally makes sense, I suppose.

So, this was it...the lead up to...what do you call it?  Consummation?  No...that's not it...I just have to say it...making love...more romance novel words...  Yeah, that's it...that kiss...that beautiful, amazing, singular kiss was the slow, sweet start on the path to the bedroom...where we made love.  I've never used that terminology before, it's never applied before...but today, what we did...that's the only way I know to say it.  And I feel so idiotic saying it...like I'm one of those girls now...the ones that walk around with stars in their eyes and can't stop swooning over their man and blah blah blah.  But there it is...I am that girl.  The girl who gets to make love.  The girl who someone wants...the girl someone wants to touch...to caress even...to hold, to kiss, and to cuddle with.  I am that girl.

April 8, 2011

"She was a little surprised."

Wow.  What do I even say?  I...did not see this coming...

I just...wow...  Wow.

Last night, I told Andy that I was leaving with Leonard.  I was calm...for about a second.  And then I cried...I felt so bad.  I thought I was going to break him or something, I guess.

He laughed.  He laughed and hugged me.  And said "Finally!"

And then, he really surprised me:

"I'm gay."

And then I think my brain exploded...or I had a stoke...or a heart attack...or just...yeah, no, my brain exploded for sure.

I kind of thought it was a joke...a horrible joke where he says something really distracting so that he could then stab me to death with a kitchen knife while I was still in shock...

But no, he was serious.  Super, super serious.

He told me that he had known for a long time, but didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to tell me, because he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  He was just glad to be able to say it out loud at last.

I just stared at him with glazed over eyes, waiting for the kitchen knife stabbing to happen...when it didn't, I asked him for how long.

"I don't know, probably forever...  I think I knew when we got married, but I didn't want it to be true...and you were such a nice person...I thought I could make it with you.  ...I kind of thought you would...I don't know...turn me?  I didn't want to be gay.  I didn't want to admit it to myself...and you were a way out of thinking about it.  And then, we made such good friends that I didn't want to mess that up."

I think my brain exploded again.   I asked him: "Have you...been with anyone?  You know, with a wiener?  ...in a sexy way?"  

"Justin.  It's always been Justin."  Justin was Andy's roommate when I met him.  I actually met Justin first and he introduced me to Andy.  And then I lived with them...and then Andy and I got married...

"But...I don't...before we were married or after?"

"Both."

Is it right that I got a little mad?  After everything I've done to Andy...is it fair that I am a little upset about this?  Like how I could have been with someone else for all these years?  Like how guilty I felt for lying and cheating and not caring about him in spousal way...and how he let me think it was all my fault.  I don't know if it was right, but I have to admit that I did, for a minute, get mad.

When I think about it though, I guess I should have seen it...I guess there were instances where I questioned it before...but I chalked it up to my own guilty conscience making excuses for my behavior...  I think I would have believed it about anybody...anybody...other than Andy.  And I told him so.

We talked, Andy and me and Leonard, for most of the night.  Andy wasn't ready to come out of the closet...not to his parents especially..not to anyone else for that matter.  But he said he had wanted, for a long time, to tell me...and to be with Justin freely.  He was afraid that he wouldn't be accepted for who he was...he admitted that there were times he really resented me because he felt like I was the one who stood in the way of his happiness.  Which, I pointed out, was mildly ironic, because I felt the same way about him.  

I told Andy to tell his parents whatever he wanted...that it was my fault, I left him...whatever he needed to.  I understand his reluctance to come out to them...they're not exactly the most non-judgmental people out there...and, technically, it's not a lie, I did leave him.  ...it just turned out a lot differently than I expected it to.

I did leave with Leonard last night...or, really, very early this morning...but with the promise that we'd still come see Andy...we were the only people besides Justin who knew, and now he had people who he could be completely himself with.  He wants for us to stay friends...and I think that I'd like that too.

I didn't expect to leave our house still being friends with Andy.  I think I need a little bit of time to process what happened.  It's a huge relief that the confrontation part is over...and that it wasn't a huge fight like I thought it would be.  But I keep thinking this is all just a weird dream and I'll wake up and it will still be the morning before I tell him.  I have pinched myself several times over the course of the day, and I'm not dreaming...it just feels that way.

When we left last night, we went to Leonard's place.  We talked about what happened for a while, and ended up falling asleep on the couch, both of us worn out from the day...and maybe because all the waiting is over.  We're together at last.  We've got our beginning.

  

April 7, 2011

"She knew it was time."

Today's the day.  As much as I dread the conflict that's about to happen, I need it to be over with.  Like peeling off a band-aid, it needs to be done quickly.  There's no reason to prolong it.  Even though it will hurt, I know it needs to happen.

I left the house this morning as though I was going to work, but I just drove into town and sat at Sycamore Shoals Park where I knew no one would see me.  I waited until I knew Andy had left for work and then drove back to the house.

There isn't much I wanted to take, but there were a few things that meant something to me: the quilt that grandma made me when I was a kid, the first present I ever got (a little stuffed dog mom got when she was still in the hospital with me), family photos...that kind of stuff.  I cleared my clothes out of the closet and dresser and packed them into two small suitcases.  Anything worth money, I left for Andy to sell...I think it's only fair.

It seems strange that all my life, almost 28 years, fits neatly into 3 Rubbermaid totes and 2 suitcases.

The fact that I travel light probably goes back to growing up how I did.  Pretty much every year at tax time, the U-Haul would be rented and we'd load the truck and be gone.  We had to, I guess.  Dad lied so much and it was only a matter of time before people started figuring him out...then it was time to go again.  He wasn't a very good person...  I'm sure that's why I hate confrontation so much.  Dad would be so violently angry over anything that didn't go his way, no matter how insignificant it was.

Andy has either never understood, or never cared, why yelling bothers me so much.  In his family, that's practically their only means of communication.  For me, though, I get sick to my stomach when I hear an argument.  Andy never had a finger laid on him as a child and so he's never thought twice about raising his voice to me.  The first time we ever argued, he came towards me and I flinched.  He asked, almost disgustedly: "Did you think I was gonna hit you?"  And the truth is, I did expect it.  I think after that, for a while, he tried to tone down the yelling.  But time makes people forget...some people anyway...and eventually, he didn't seem to remember how much fighting bothered me.

I'll give Andy this: he's never hit me.  He's just learned to use my hatred of conflict in a different way, one where I don't disagree with him so that I don't start a fight...  I almost respect how strategically he learned to use my past against me...not maliciously, but selfishly, to get his way.

Anger is the one emotion I still struggle with.  I know I should be angry for the things that have happened to me in my life.  But it's hard to feel angry without feeling guilt.  I don't want to be like my father, and anger is what I remember most about him.

The crazy thing is that anger is what made me realize that I finally had emotions.  I remember being at the house with Andy, Leonard, and another of Andy's friends, Jake.  We had all been drinking, and Leonard asked me if I wanted a cigarette.  This was before I smoked...and I said no, of course, and for the rest of the night, he'd blow smoke in my face at every chance he got.  This was a game between us...when I was sober, it was mildly hilarious...I don't remember how it started, but when I wasn't drinking it was funny as hell.  That particular day, I didn't think it was funny and I asked him to stop.  And he did it again.  "Leonard, stop it!" more annoyed this time.  When he did it again, I had had enough and it took everything big, burly Jake had to hold me back...I was dead set on kicking Leonard's ass.  ...this was the day it was decided that I couldn't drink Vodka because it made me angry...  But in reality, that anger, that I had never felt before, in that moment, long before he ever kissed me, made me realize that I had feelings for Leonard.  

I understand now that, aside from not wanting to be like my dad, a big part of why I shy away from anger is that I don't like feeling as though I'm not in control.  And that's probably the only thing that's saved me from being an alcoholic or getting into the drugs like everyone else around me.  And maybe that's another reason I don't like confrontation...because it is messy.  People get mad and lose control of what they say.  And I don't know what the outcome will be...I can't control it.  And I'm afraid of what will be said or done in the heat of the moment.  

I'm nervous now.  I can't sit still.  Leonard is on his way over.  Andy will be home shortly after that.  And then the inevitable conflict will start...and a painful ending will be the beginning of something new for all of us.

April 6, 2011

I slept on it another night.

I thought I might have trouble sleeping with everything that's been going on...it's a huge change I'm contemplating...but it wasn't the case.  Last night was actually the first peaceful rest I've had in a long time.  Usually, I can't fall asleep and when I finally do, it's fitful....I find myself waking up every other hour.  But I slept clear through til morning, not opening my eyes even once.

I thought about my decision at work all day yesterday, because I promised Leonard that I would, and I still know that I am making the right choice.  For once, my logic and my feelings agree on something...maybe that's why I finally had a decent night's sleep.

There's only one thing I worry about regarding this whole situation...and that's the confrontation.  

I hate confrontation.  I do have some kind of feelings for Andy, and I don't want to hurt him.  Part of me knows that I could keep on faking it...I'm pretty much an expert at faking it...but that's not a good enough life for either of us.  Andy deserves someone who loves him...everybody does.  I'm just not that person in his case, and it's not fair to hold him back from his own chance at happiness.

But he's not going to see it that way.  Despite my desire for it to be so, no relationship ever ended by shaking hands and walking away.  That's not how it happens.  It's much more messy than that.  There will be yelling and name calling and accusations thrown around that aren't true...but it won't matter that they're not true because he'll be hurt; there's no way of avoiding it.

Our marriage is like a bone that's out of it's socket.  There's going to have to be a period of excruciating pain before things will be set right.  You can't walk around with a dislocated bone for the rest of your life just to avoid the pain.

It's not like I haven't hurt Andy before.  I haven't been a very good wife to him.  I've cheated on him...more than once.  There were times guilt got the best of me and I told him...there were other times when I just ended it and said nothing.  He didn't need to know about it because it always ended up the same: he was over it in a matter of days.  He might have hated me on more than one occasion...he might always hate me, I don't know...but he hates change more.  And I think that's a big part of what makes this confrontation so difficult.  Because this time, the choice is mine.  I'm going away and I'm not coming back.  And things will change for him forever.

Besides that, Leonard is Andy's friend...they grew up together.  I feel bad for that part of it too.

I want to say that if the situations were reversed, I would want my friend to be happy, despite what it cost me.  Of course, that's easy to say when you're on the other side.

A friend of mine once asked me why, since I had cheated on Andy before, had I not cheated on him with Leonard.  I told her it probably depended on what your definition of cheating was...is kissing cheating?  "Sex." was her response.  I had to think before I could answer her...

I told her, in a way, I have cheated with Leonard...an emotional affair.  And the kissing...there's the kissing.  A lot of people don't see kissing as cheating, but I wonder how they'd feel if they saw someone they loved (and who supposedly loved them) making out with another person...  

Maybe the kissing thing didn't feel like cheating to me either...but the emotional part of it seems like I have.  I mean, I didn't feel anything before I got to know Leonard...all of my emotions feel as if they originated with him...I didn't have them before I met him, so he must have given them to me.  I think that probably counts as cheating...

But sex...why have I never had sex with Leonard?  That's tricky.  It's not as if I don't want to.  It's not as if he hasn't been...ready and willing. It's not as if I haven't cheated before with other guys...  

I guess the answer goes back to emotion.  

Before Leonard, I didn't have feelings.  So sex was purely a physical thing...a natural response to a body's urges.  If Andy wasn't willing to give me what I needed, there was someone else who would.  

I feel for Leonard.  All those other guys, they were just a means to an end...they were as replaceable to me as I was to them.  But with Leonard, I don't want to just have a physical experience.  With him, I want to love him...to make love to him...however people say it.  I want to show him that he's not the same as any of the other men I've been with...he means something to me.  He's too good for a one time, heat-of-the-moment mistake.  He's not interchangeable...I only want him.  No one else could take his place.

I don't know if my friend understood what I meant...it's hard to put it into words. Before she asked me, I had never thought about it.  She was right to point out the strangeness of it...it is odd.  But it isn't even a question for me.  I just know, no matter how much I want it, my waiting to have sex with Leonard is proof to myself that I love him....I really, truly love him.

Rewriting History

"She chose to rewrite history."

First, a short introduction:

In my real life, the anniversary of the death of someone I loved very much is coming up soon.  I have struggled with his suicide for a long time.  And somehow I have managed to get through it.  I have moved on as much as a person possibly can.

I heard about fake journaling a while ago and was recently scrolling through Pinterest and saw a link to THIS website, and it put it in my mind again.

  I feel like I have to do this.  I think about how things could have been from time to time. ..not obsessively like I used to, but I do think about it. 

April is fake journaling month (according to that website) and I am going to participate in it.  ...in my own way...I don't know if I'm doing the fake journaling thing right, but I'll be doing it right for me...  I'm not sure that I can keep up with it on a daily basis (I'll try, but no guarantees) , but I will be doing at least 30 posts in this vein.  After that, who knows what will happen with this site...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The story I will be telling is the perfect version of my life.  It's not meant to be uber realistic or to be a pathway back down the road of obsession.  But somewhere out there in the grand scheme of things, we all deserve our happy ending.  That's the story I want to tell.

"She chose to rewrite history."

From this point forward, I'll be writing as though it was three years ago.  All the things that have happened in my life in that time frame did not occur.  I'll be keeping an art journal to go along with all the posts, and sharing that as well.  If you know me from my other blog (which you can find HERE), you will hopefully see a difference between that art and what I share here...as well as a difference in writing style and my personality...if I get it right anyway...  And if you don't know me from Sweet Red Clover, go check me out...

I hope this will be an interesting read at least, or that you'll like looking at the pretty pictures...but if not, that's ok.  It's not for you, really.  It's for me and my purposes.  

If fake journaling is something your interested in, I hope you'll try it in your own way.  I'd love to see your work, so please feel free to leave a link in the comments if you're already fake journaling, or if you'd like to start out doing it along with me.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but I really wouldn't mind having somebody on the same flight as me.