April 6, 2011

I slept on it another night.

I thought I might have trouble sleeping with everything that's been going on...it's a huge change I'm contemplating...but it wasn't the case.  Last night was actually the first peaceful rest I've had in a long time.  Usually, I can't fall asleep and when I finally do, it's fitful....I find myself waking up every other hour.  But I slept clear through til morning, not opening my eyes even once.

I thought about my decision at work all day yesterday, because I promised Leonard that I would, and I still know that I am making the right choice.  For once, my logic and my feelings agree on something...maybe that's why I finally had a decent night's sleep.

There's only one thing I worry about regarding this whole situation...and that's the confrontation.  

I hate confrontation.  I do have some kind of feelings for Andy, and I don't want to hurt him.  Part of me knows that I could keep on faking it...I'm pretty much an expert at faking it...but that's not a good enough life for either of us.  Andy deserves someone who loves him...everybody does.  I'm just not that person in his case, and it's not fair to hold him back from his own chance at happiness.

But he's not going to see it that way.  Despite my desire for it to be so, no relationship ever ended by shaking hands and walking away.  That's not how it happens.  It's much more messy than that.  There will be yelling and name calling and accusations thrown around that aren't true...but it won't matter that they're not true because he'll be hurt; there's no way of avoiding it.

Our marriage is like a bone that's out of it's socket.  There's going to have to be a period of excruciating pain before things will be set right.  You can't walk around with a dislocated bone for the rest of your life just to avoid the pain.

It's not like I haven't hurt Andy before.  I haven't been a very good wife to him.  I've cheated on him...more than once.  There were times guilt got the best of me and I told him...there were other times when I just ended it and said nothing.  He didn't need to know about it because it always ended up the same: he was over it in a matter of days.  He might have hated me on more than one occasion...he might always hate me, I don't know...but he hates change more.  And I think that's a big part of what makes this confrontation so difficult.  Because this time, the choice is mine.  I'm going away and I'm not coming back.  And things will change for him forever.

Besides that, Leonard is Andy's friend...they grew up together.  I feel bad for that part of it too.

I want to say that if the situations were reversed, I would want my friend to be happy, despite what it cost me.  Of course, that's easy to say when you're on the other side.

A friend of mine once asked me why, since I had cheated on Andy before, had I not cheated on him with Leonard.  I told her it probably depended on what your definition of cheating was...is kissing cheating?  "Sex." was her response.  I had to think before I could answer her...

I told her, in a way, I have cheated with Leonard...an emotional affair.  And the kissing...there's the kissing.  A lot of people don't see kissing as cheating, but I wonder how they'd feel if they saw someone they loved (and who supposedly loved them) making out with another person...  

Maybe the kissing thing didn't feel like cheating to me either...but the emotional part of it seems like I have.  I mean, I didn't feel anything before I got to know Leonard...all of my emotions feel as if they originated with him...I didn't have them before I met him, so he must have given them to me.  I think that probably counts as cheating...

But sex...why have I never had sex with Leonard?  That's tricky.  It's not as if I don't want to.  It's not as if he hasn't been...ready and willing. It's not as if I haven't cheated before with other guys...  

I guess the answer goes back to emotion.  

Before Leonard, I didn't have feelings.  So sex was purely a physical thing...a natural response to a body's urges.  If Andy wasn't willing to give me what I needed, there was someone else who would.  

I feel for Leonard.  All those other guys, they were just a means to an end...they were as replaceable to me as I was to them.  But with Leonard, I don't want to just have a physical experience.  With him, I want to love him...to make love to him...however people say it.  I want to show him that he's not the same as any of the other men I've been with...he means something to me.  He's too good for a one time, heat-of-the-moment mistake.  He's not interchangeable...I only want him.  No one else could take his place.

I don't know if my friend understood what I meant...it's hard to put it into words. Before she asked me, I had never thought about it.  She was right to point out the strangeness of it...it is odd.  But it isn't even a question for me.  I just know, no matter how much I want it, my waiting to have sex with Leonard is proof to myself that I love him....I really, truly love him.