April 9 2011

"She had the shivers and butterflies inside."
"In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said."-Pablo Neruda

Today, Leonard and I spent our first day together.  Or...well...together...as a couple...

I woke up curled next to him on his couch, leaning against his chest, his arm around me.  I leaned my head back and looked at his face, so peaceful and sweet.  He woke up when I moved and smiled at me...when he smiles, he gets these little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes...laugh lines, I think they're called.  I love those lines...

It's silly, but I felt a little nervous.  I've known Leonard a long time, but...I don't know...I found myself feeling...different.  I was a little...nervous?  No, that's not quite it...expectant? Curious?  I'm still not quite sure.  I think everything feels a little surreal...I've wanted this for such a long time, and now, here it is, in my hands...

He lit a cigarette and we carried in my stuff from his truck.  It's Saturday, so there wasn't anywhere either of us had to be...we just went through the house, putting my stuff away...he had made space in the last few days.  It wasn't that hard, I didn't bring a lot.  I didn't need a lot...  When we were done, I took a shower and changed clothes.  

While he showered, I cooked breakfast.  That seems like a little thing, but I didn't do it very much before.  Today, for him, I wanted to...and I wanted to keep my hands busy.  Cooking and baking...that's what I do when I get nervous and don't know what else to do.

When it was ready we ate...at the kitchen table...like adults.  Andy and I never did that..we always ate in front of the TV.  Always.  Eating at the table...again, it's a little thing.  But feeling like you have someone's full attention...that's not so little.  It's nice.

  When we finished eating, he asked me if I was feeling nervous.  I smiled and nodded.  Between the food and the fact that I was being quiet, he said, he figured I was.  He got up and put the plates in the sink and went into the other room.  When he came back in, he had a pack of cards in his hands.  He dealt out the cards and we played Rummy.  I'm good at it...I usually win...except against him...he's got some kind of voodoo magic at it, I swear...  Him crushing me at cards made me feel normal again.  I relaxed and we had fun, just being silly and stupid.  We played until we were hungry again.

He took me out to Amigos, the Mexican restaurant in town, and we ate and had a beer.  And talked and laughed...and talked and laughed...  Even our silences weren't awkward ones.  With anybody else, I hate lulls in the conversation...I always start babbling on and on when they happen.  When I'm with him, though, I don't feel the need to fill that empty space with chatter.  I can just be and the quiet is ok.

We finished eating and he drove us back to his place.  When we walked in the door, he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him and  kissed me.  He is a master of surprise kisses...and I am a big fan of an unexpected kiss...when it comes from him.

I had always thought that I didn't like kissing.  I avoided it...I didn't understand why people liked it so much...  The first time he ever kissed me, I realized that anyone who had ever kissed me before was doing it wrong...  With him, when he kisses me, I understand all those crazy references...fireworks, time standing still...all of it.  He made me understand what the fuss was all about.

What started out as a surprise kiss, turned more...sensual...passionate...romance novel words for the hubba hubba kind of kiss...a kind of kiss I am not really used to.  I never got that kind of kiss from Andy...which finally makes sense, I suppose.

So, this was it...the lead up to...what do you call it?  Consummation?  No...that's not it...I just have to say it...making love...more romance novel words...  Yeah, that's it...that kiss...that beautiful, amazing, singular kiss was the slow, sweet start on the path to the bedroom...where we made love.  I've never used that terminology before, it's never applied before...but today, what we did...that's the only way I know to say it.  And I feel so idiotic saying it...like I'm one of those girls now...the ones that walk around with stars in their eyes and can't stop swooning over their man and blah blah blah.  But there it is...I am that girl.  The girl who gets to make love.  The girl who someone wants...the girl someone wants to touch...to caress even...to hold, to kiss, and to cuddle with.  I am that girl.