April 4, 2011

"She chose to take a chance."

I had a crazy dream last night.  I never dream...or at least I never remember dreaming.  But I remember this one.  

It started out the same as last night, except instead of saying something before he left, I just let Leonard go.  I didn't say anything or even hug him goodbye like I always do.  I just let "I don't care what you do" be the last words I said.  And when he left the house, there was an earthquake.  The ground split open and he fell into the hole it left.  And the craziest part of it was that no one except me seemed to notice.  Everybody just went on about their lives as if this terrible, inexplicable thing hadn't happened.  I must have dreamed the whole night long, because it seemed like the dream went on and on.  Day after day of monotony, with no one but me seeing this huge hole in the world.  In the dream, I lived that life...all the dull daily tasks, washing clothes and going to work and brushing my teeth and grocery shopping...I did all that stuff in this dream over and over...all while carefully walking around this gigantic crack in the earth.  And it was so real.  I think, after this, I can finally understand how people believe in visions. 

It scared me.

When I finally woke up, I was drenched in sweat, sitting straight up in the bed, barely able to catch my breath.  I'm still shaking as I'm writing this.

I told Andy I felt sick...as if he cares...and stayed home from work today.  And it's not a lie...I do feel sick.  But, bigger than that, the truth is I feel like something's been rattled lose...something I've kept buried for a long time.

I'm only waiting for Andy to get done in the shower and leave before I call Leonard.  

I have to talk to him...he's never let me down before.  God, I hope he answers...  My skin is crawling and I just don't seem to be able to shake it off.  

He'll calm me down.  He always knows what to say when I get like this.  

I feel so stupid.  It was just a dream...but I can't let it go.  I have to see him.  I have to tell him everything.  Before I lose my nerve.