April 10, 2011

"She felt like a kid again."

I went with Leonard to Sunday supper at his family's house.  They do this every week.  They all get together at his grandparents house at around noon and just hang out, eat, and catch up with each other.  They're a pretty close family.

I've met Leonard's mom before...kind of.  She used to call me every weekend to see if he was with Andy and me...to check up on him and make sure he was staying out of trouble...she was nice enough.  But the situation changed since the last time I saw her, and I'd never met any of his other family...so I have to admit, I was a little worried over how they might react to me. 

It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about at all.  Everybody was so nice.  It wasn't a minute after I walked through the door that I got bombarded with hugs and 'glad to finally meet you' from all directions.  There were A LOT of people...Leonard has a big extended family...and I was the new guy. I'm not always good with new people, but they made me feel right at home.  It was AMAZING! 

Leonard, his mom and I went outside to shuck corn for corn on the cob, first thing.  Then we peeled and cut up apples for pies.  The kitchen was a blizzard of activity...at different points, I think every person in the house was in the kitchen doing their part to get the food ready and to talk and laugh and tell stories.  I loved hearing all the different voices contributing to funny stories, it was like getting to be on the inside, remembering someone else's past right along with them as though it was my own.  Eventually, everyone got shuffled out of the kitchen, the various tasks done, besides the stirring and the timing of things in the oven...which Leonard's mom and grandma took care of.  

Leonard took me outside and we sat in the porch swing enjoying the beautiful weather and watching his nephews play catch.  Soon enough, we got called down off the porch to play tag with them, and off we went, running around the yard chasing down the kids till we all got called to eat. 

 Everybody took various positions on the back porch...Leonard and I sat on the steps, leaning against the porch rails...and we ate and I got to know this imperfect and beautiful family that helped to shape this man that I love so much.  And they were kindly interested in me...not bombarding me with questions, but asking, here and there, intermixed with the rest of the conversations, a little about me.  

And slowly, after everyone finished eating, plates were taken into the kitchen, and I wandered in too, finding Leonard's grandma filling the sink with hot, soapy water...no dishwasher for her, it just wasn't her way.  I asked if I could help her and she smiled and said if I washed, she'd dry.  

I told her that I liked washing dishes, and she laughed a little.  It's true though, I told her.  When I was a kid, my family would go to my grandma's house and all the women would gather in the kitchen and it was like a privilege to get to help.  At holidays, when the relatives came in, all the girls would bicker over who got to wash dishes.  To this day, it's one of my secret quirks that I love to wash dishes...especially when someone else dries and puts them away.  She laughed again and said she might have to keep me.

I told her that a lot of things that happened today reminded me of the good parts of my childhood...there were a lot of bad parts, but there were good things too...and today made me feel like a happy little girl again.  All these memories flashed in my head and, as I washed dishes, I told her more about myself and the good pieces of growing up.  She could hardly believe that I lived the first twelve years of my life in a house with no running water and an outhouse...that's how she grew up...but there was several years difference between us...and when she asked why that was, I did the best I could to answer her...but, I told her, the outhouse never really bothered me, except in the winter...I grew up in Ohio...and it gets COLD there...and there's no heat in an outhouse.  She laughed and said she remembered that part too and she told me a little about herself, where she had grown up, and how she had met Leonard's grandpa.

It's one of my favorite things, listening to older people tell stories.  I think it might be a little odd for someone in my generation, but I do.  I love to hear someone narrate their own slice of history, to know what obscure details they remember, and to watch their faces...the eyes go off into the distance, a small smile creeps into the corners of their mouths as they remember the good times...and if I'm really lucky, they forget for a minute that I'm even there and it seems like they are reliving that happy memory again as they say it out loud...  And I was lucky today, when Leonard's grandma started telling me about how she met Leonard's granddad and all these sweet details that led to them getting married and spending their whole lives together...I got to watch her live those moments again.

Leonard and I left the way we came: in a barrage of hugs and 'glad to meet you' with a few 'see you next weeks' thrown in there.  It's been a long time since I got to be a part of something like today...when I was a kid at my grandma's, yes...but it's been a long time since she passed and she was the person that held everyone together.  Since then, my family consists of mom and my sisters and brother and their families...and even then, I don't get to see them very much.  But today was a really happy day, getting to feel like a part of a family again.

When we got to Leonard's house, we laid on the couch and watched old movies till it was time for bed.  I love old movies, for the same reason as old people's stories, I guess...because I get to see history...what people's lives were like.  I don't know why I'm so fascinated with other lives, but I am.

It seems to me that every choice we make must spin out in a million different unanticipated directions and that we have no idea what might have happened had we just done one thing differently.  Maybe that's why I like to know personal history so much...it's like a fact finding mission...taking results and getting averages on what the outcome of a certain action was...if you do this, then this will happen...if you don't do this, then that will happen.  And maybe then I'll know how to make better choices...because I know how it turned out in other people's stories.

I don't know...it's past my bedtime...no more philosophizing tonight.  I'm going to put on my pj's and crawl into bed and have the arms of someone who I love very much around me...maybe one day, somewhere in the distant future, I'll tell Leonard's and my story to some other girl who's trying to make her own good decisions.  It will be the best story ever.

April 9 2011

"She had the shivers and butterflies inside."
"In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said."-Pablo Neruda

Today, Leonard and I spent our first day together.  Or...well...together...as a couple...

I woke up curled next to him on his couch, leaning against his chest, his arm around me.  I leaned my head back and looked at his face, so peaceful and sweet.  He woke up when I moved and smiled at me...when he smiles, he gets these little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes...laugh lines, I think they're called.  I love those lines...

It's silly, but I felt a little nervous.  I've known Leonard a long time, but...I don't know...I found myself feeling...different.  I was a little...nervous?  No, that's not quite it...expectant? Curious?  I'm still not quite sure.  I think everything feels a little surreal...I've wanted this for such a long time, and now, here it is, in my hands...

He lit a cigarette and we carried in my stuff from his truck.  It's Saturday, so there wasn't anywhere either of us had to be...we just went through the house, putting my stuff away...he had made space in the last few days.  It wasn't that hard, I didn't bring a lot.  I didn't need a lot...  When we were done, I took a shower and changed clothes.  

While he showered, I cooked breakfast.  That seems like a little thing, but I didn't do it very much before.  Today, for him, I wanted to...and I wanted to keep my hands busy.  Cooking and baking...that's what I do when I get nervous and don't know what else to do.

When it was ready we ate...at the kitchen table...like adults.  Andy and I never did that..we always ate in front of the TV.  Always.  Eating at the table...again, it's a little thing.  But feeling like you have someone's full attention...that's not so little.  It's nice.

  When we finished eating, he asked me if I was feeling nervous.  I smiled and nodded.  Between the food and the fact that I was being quiet, he said, he figured I was.  He got up and put the plates in the sink and went into the other room.  When he came back in, he had a pack of cards in his hands.  He dealt out the cards and we played Rummy.  I'm good at it...I usually win...except against him...he's got some kind of voodoo magic at it, I swear...  Him crushing me at cards made me feel normal again.  I relaxed and we had fun, just being silly and stupid.  We played until we were hungry again.

He took me out to Amigos, the Mexican restaurant in town, and we ate and had a beer.  And talked and laughed...and talked and laughed...  Even our silences weren't awkward ones.  With anybody else, I hate lulls in the conversation...I always start babbling on and on when they happen.  When I'm with him, though, I don't feel the need to fill that empty space with chatter.  I can just be and the quiet is ok.

We finished eating and he drove us back to his place.  When we walked in the door, he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him and  kissed me.  He is a master of surprise kisses...and I am a big fan of an unexpected kiss...when it comes from him.

I had always thought that I didn't like kissing.  I avoided it...I didn't understand why people liked it so much...  The first time he ever kissed me, I realized that anyone who had ever kissed me before was doing it wrong...  With him, when he kisses me, I understand all those crazy references...fireworks, time standing still...all of it.  He made me understand what the fuss was all about.

What started out as a surprise kiss, turned more...sensual...passionate...romance novel words for the hubba hubba kind of kiss...a kind of kiss I am not really used to.  I never got that kind of kiss from Andy...which finally makes sense, I suppose.

So, this was it...the lead up to...what do you call it?  Consummation?  No...that's not it...I just have to say it...making love...more romance novel words...  Yeah, that's it...that kiss...that beautiful, amazing, singular kiss was the slow, sweet start on the path to the bedroom...where we made love.  I've never used that terminology before, it's never applied before...but today, what we did...that's the only way I know to say it.  And I feel so idiotic saying it...like I'm one of those girls now...the ones that walk around with stars in their eyes and can't stop swooning over their man and blah blah blah.  But there it is...I am that girl.  The girl who gets to make love.  The girl who someone wants...the girl someone wants to touch...to caress even...to hold, to kiss, and to cuddle with.  I am that girl.

April 8, 2011

"She was a little surprised."

Wow.  What do I even say?  I...did not see this coming...

I just...wow...  Wow.

Last night, I told Andy that I was leaving with Leonard.  I was calm...for about a second.  And then I cried...I felt so bad.  I thought I was going to break him or something, I guess.

He laughed.  He laughed and hugged me.  And said "Finally!"

And then, he really surprised me:

"I'm gay."

And then I think my brain exploded...or I had a stoke...or a heart attack...or just...yeah, no, my brain exploded for sure.

I kind of thought it was a joke...a horrible joke where he says something really distracting so that he could then stab me to death with a kitchen knife while I was still in shock...

But no, he was serious.  Super, super serious.

He told me that he had known for a long time, but didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to tell me, because he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  He was just glad to be able to say it out loud at last.

I just stared at him with glazed over eyes, waiting for the kitchen knife stabbing to happen...when it didn't, I asked him for how long.

"I don't know, probably forever...  I think I knew when we got married, but I didn't want it to be true...and you were such a nice person...I thought I could make it with you.  ...I kind of thought you would...I don't know...turn me?  I didn't want to be gay.  I didn't want to admit it to myself...and you were a way out of thinking about it.  And then, we made such good friends that I didn't want to mess that up."

I think my brain exploded again.   I asked him: "Have you...been with anyone?  You know, with a wiener?  ...in a sexy way?"  

"Justin.  It's always been Justin."  Justin was Andy's roommate when I met him.  I actually met Justin first and he introduced me to Andy.  And then I lived with them...and then Andy and I got married...

"But...I don't...before we were married or after?"

"Both."

Is it right that I got a little mad?  After everything I've done to Andy...is it fair that I am a little upset about this?  Like how I could have been with someone else for all these years?  Like how guilty I felt for lying and cheating and not caring about him in spousal way...and how he let me think it was all my fault.  I don't know if it was right, but I have to admit that I did, for a minute, get mad.

When I think about it though, I guess I should have seen it...I guess there were instances where I questioned it before...but I chalked it up to my own guilty conscience making excuses for my behavior...  I think I would have believed it about anybody...anybody...other than Andy.  And I told him so.

We talked, Andy and me and Leonard, for most of the night.  Andy wasn't ready to come out of the closet...not to his parents especially..not to anyone else for that matter.  But he said he had wanted, for a long time, to tell me...and to be with Justin freely.  He was afraid that he wouldn't be accepted for who he was...he admitted that there were times he really resented me because he felt like I was the one who stood in the way of his happiness.  Which, I pointed out, was mildly ironic, because I felt the same way about him.  

I told Andy to tell his parents whatever he wanted...that it was my fault, I left him...whatever he needed to.  I understand his reluctance to come out to them...they're not exactly the most non-judgmental people out there...and, technically, it's not a lie, I did leave him.  ...it just turned out a lot differently than I expected it to.

I did leave with Leonard last night...or, really, very early this morning...but with the promise that we'd still come see Andy...we were the only people besides Justin who knew, and now he had people who he could be completely himself with.  He wants for us to stay friends...and I think that I'd like that too.

I didn't expect to leave our house still being friends with Andy.  I think I need a little bit of time to process what happened.  It's a huge relief that the confrontation part is over...and that it wasn't a huge fight like I thought it would be.  But I keep thinking this is all just a weird dream and I'll wake up and it will still be the morning before I tell him.  I have pinched myself several times over the course of the day, and I'm not dreaming...it just feels that way.

When we left last night, we went to Leonard's place.  We talked about what happened for a while, and ended up falling asleep on the couch, both of us worn out from the day...and maybe because all the waiting is over.  We're together at last.  We've got our beginning.

  

April 4, 2011 at 4:15 PM

"She wondered if he remembered."

I just got home from talking to Leonard.  I don't know what I expected to happen exactly...but I never would have thought in a million years that it would have went like it did.  All of these words kept flying out of my mouth and I was thinking the whole time What are you doing? What are you saying?  Then it was all over and I came home...and I feel like a completely different person...better and lighter somehow. 

When I called Leonard, I asked him to meet me at Wautaga Dam.  It's still cold up there, so I knew we would have some privacy.  I have a hard enough time saying what I really think.  With a bunch of people around, there's no way I could have done it.

Just like always, he came through for me...he pulled in barely a minute after I did.  The parking lot was empty and I got out of my car and went and sat with him in his truck.  I know it must have been chilly there on the mountain, but I was so nervous I didn't really feel it.  I was shaking so bad from nerves, though, that when I climbed in the seat and shut the door, Leonard jacked up the heat.

He asked me if I was OK.  "No."  ...it was all I could do to reply.

"Did something happen?"  I nodded.  He said OK and then he waited for me to start.  I almost didn't.  I was so scared...shaken up by the dream, and afraid of what his reaction might be.  But, as crazy as it seems, I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't tell him about it.

Finally I spoke up.  I told him about the dream, about how real it was, and about how I couldn't keep it to myself.  I half expected him to pick on me about getting so worked up over a stupid dream, but he didn't.  He just sat there listening to me...

After I told him all that, I asked him if he remembered, years ago, when Andy and I still lived at the old house.  Did he remember?  He nodded.  I was shaking so hard that the whole truck was starting to rock...

And did he remember being at the house a specific Sunday morning when, while Andy was sleeping off one of his binge nights, I was standing in the kitchen drinking tea and he snuck up on me, took the cup, set it on the counter and, in one movement, pushed me against the kitchen wall and kissed me...did he remember that?  He smiled slightly in the corners of his mouth and nodded.

And did he remember, a few months later when he was about to go back out of town to work, asking me to go with him and that I said I couldn't...I couldn't be that person...it wasn't right...it wasn't moral...it wasn't fair to Andy...Did he remember what he said to me then?

"I said if you ever changed your mind to call me, no matter where I was, and I would come get you."

And I asked "Did you mean it?  Do you still mean it?  Because I changed my mind.  It's taken me a long time...maybe too long...but I finally see it.  I don't want to live my life and you not be a part of it.  I don't feel that way about anyone else.  As much as I've tried, I don't.  I've fought so hard to feel that for Andy, to be a good wife to him, but I just don't feel it and I can't fight anymore.  So did you mean it?  Do you still?  Because I've changed my mind and I want to go with you."

He didn't answer me right away.  For what seemed like a long while, he just looked at me.  And I thought I'd made a mistake telling him all of it.  That things were different now...that it was the past...that he didn't feel that way anymore...

Then, without looking away from me, he took my hand from my lap and wrapped it with his.

"Have I ever lied to you?"  I shook my head no...it's always been one of my favorite things about him...that he's always told me the truth, even when it was something I didn't want to hear.

"Don't you remember what else I said to you that day?  I told you: I will always feel this way.  I will always come back for you.  I've never once lied to you.  I meant it then.  I still do.  I loved you...and I've loved you for a long time.  Quietly...secretly...I kept it to myself because I knew you were trying to do right by Andy...but I couldn't help loving you.  I feel the same today as I did then and I will always feel this way.  I will never not love you."

And that was all I could stand, I guess, because I started to cry...hard and uncontrollably.  Leonard held my hand until I had calmed down enough to talk again.

"What do we do now?" I asked.  And we talked it over till we figured it out.

April 4, 2011

"She chose to take a chance."

I had a crazy dream last night.  I never dream...or at least I never remember dreaming.  But I remember this one.  

It started out the same as last night, except instead of saying something before he left, I just let Leonard go.  I didn't say anything or even hug him goodbye like I always do.  I just let "I don't care what you do" be the last words I said.  And when he left the house, there was an earthquake.  The ground split open and he fell into the hole it left.  And the craziest part of it was that no one except me seemed to notice.  Everybody just went on about their lives as if this terrible, inexplicable thing hadn't happened.  I must have dreamed the whole night long, because it seemed like the dream went on and on.  Day after day of monotony, with no one but me seeing this huge hole in the world.  In the dream, I lived that life...all the dull daily tasks, washing clothes and going to work and brushing my teeth and grocery shopping...I did all that stuff in this dream over and over...all while carefully walking around this gigantic crack in the earth.  And it was so real.  I think, after this, I can finally understand how people believe in visions. 

It scared me.

When I finally woke up, I was drenched in sweat, sitting straight up in the bed, barely able to catch my breath.  I'm still shaking as I'm writing this.

I told Andy I felt sick...as if he cares...and stayed home from work today.  And it's not a lie...I do feel sick.  But, bigger than that, the truth is I feel like something's been rattled lose...something I've kept buried for a long time.

I'm only waiting for Andy to get done in the shower and leave before I call Leonard.  

I have to talk to him...he's never let me down before.  God, I hope he answers...  My skin is crawling and I just don't seem to be able to shake it off.  

He'll calm me down.  He always knows what to say when I get like this.  

I feel so stupid.  It was just a dream...but I can't let it go.  I have to see him.  I have to tell him everything.  Before I lose my nerve.

April 3, 2011

"She kept seeing his face."

Leonard was here when I got home tonight.  Him and that girl he's been dating got into a fight.  Again.

He was sitting on the couch watching Andy play some dumb video game.  When I walked past them, he held up a handful of Roxies and some other pills...I don't know what they were...and asked if he could do them here.

In the past, I've always told him that he was welcome at the house, but not his pills.  In all the years I've known him, he's never tested me on the issue before.  As a matter of fact, he quit for a long time...he only started again when he and that dumb cow got together.

Normally, I'd have done something different...at the very least, I'd have stood my ground and told him not in my house.  But I had the worst day and I wasn't thinking and I just blurted out "Do what you want.  I don't care what you do."

I just wasn't in the mood for it.  I went in and sat down at the computer and payed bills while Andy played his game and Leonard did his druggie thing.  But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  I kept going back and forth trying to decide whether to say something or not.  I didn't want to start a fight with Andy, I was already in a bad mood.  I couldn't decide.

So I sat there, trying to pay bills, but not getting any of them done because something was just yelling at me to speak up.  And that went on til Leonard was ready to go.

I don't know what made me do it...just that nagging feeling, I guess.  But when he peeked his head around the corner to say bye, I got up and hugged him as hard as I could.  I told him not to ever even think about asking to do that crap in my house again.  We care about what happens to him.  I said: "I don't want to see you waste your life.  You're worth much too much for that."

He looked at me for a minute with the oddest expression on his face.  Then he leaned back in, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek, said 'see you next time' and headed out.

Since he left, I keep thinking about the strange expression he had on his face.  I can't concentrate on anything else.  I just keep seeing that look on his face when I said he was worth too much to waste his life.  It's like it's been seared into my mind...