April 10, 2011

"She felt like a kid again."

I went with Leonard to Sunday supper at his family's house.  They do this every week.  They all get together at his grandparents house at around noon and just hang out, eat, and catch up with each other.  They're a pretty close family.

I've met Leonard's mom before...kind of.  She used to call me every weekend to see if he was with Andy and me...to check up on him and make sure he was staying out of trouble...she was nice enough.  But the situation changed since the last time I saw her, and I'd never met any of his other family...so I have to admit, I was a little worried over how they might react to me. 

It turns out that I had nothing to be nervous about at all.  Everybody was so nice.  It wasn't a minute after I walked through the door that I got bombarded with hugs and 'glad to finally meet you' from all directions.  There were A LOT of people...Leonard has a big extended family...and I was the new guy. I'm not always good with new people, but they made me feel right at home.  It was AMAZING! 

Leonard, his mom and I went outside to shuck corn for corn on the cob, first thing.  Then we peeled and cut up apples for pies.  The kitchen was a blizzard of activity...at different points, I think every person in the house was in the kitchen doing their part to get the food ready and to talk and laugh and tell stories.  I loved hearing all the different voices contributing to funny stories, it was like getting to be on the inside, remembering someone else's past right along with them as though it was my own.  Eventually, everyone got shuffled out of the kitchen, the various tasks done, besides the stirring and the timing of things in the oven...which Leonard's mom and grandma took care of.  

Leonard took me outside and we sat in the porch swing enjoying the beautiful weather and watching his nephews play catch.  Soon enough, we got called down off the porch to play tag with them, and off we went, running around the yard chasing down the kids till we all got called to eat. 

 Everybody took various positions on the back porch...Leonard and I sat on the steps, leaning against the porch rails...and we ate and I got to know this imperfect and beautiful family that helped to shape this man that I love so much.  And they were kindly interested in me...not bombarding me with questions, but asking, here and there, intermixed with the rest of the conversations, a little about me.  

And slowly, after everyone finished eating, plates were taken into the kitchen, and I wandered in too, finding Leonard's grandma filling the sink with hot, soapy water...no dishwasher for her, it just wasn't her way.  I asked if I could help her and she smiled and said if I washed, she'd dry.  

I told her that I liked washing dishes, and she laughed a little.  It's true though, I told her.  When I was a kid, my family would go to my grandma's house and all the women would gather in the kitchen and it was like a privilege to get to help.  At holidays, when the relatives came in, all the girls would bicker over who got to wash dishes.  To this day, it's one of my secret quirks that I love to wash dishes...especially when someone else dries and puts them away.  She laughed again and said she might have to keep me.

I told her that a lot of things that happened today reminded me of the good parts of my childhood...there were a lot of bad parts, but there were good things too...and today made me feel like a happy little girl again.  All these memories flashed in my head and, as I washed dishes, I told her more about myself and the good pieces of growing up.  She could hardly believe that I lived the first twelve years of my life in a house with no running water and an outhouse...that's how she grew up...but there was several years difference between us...and when she asked why that was, I did the best I could to answer her...but, I told her, the outhouse never really bothered me, except in the winter...I grew up in Ohio...and it gets COLD there...and there's no heat in an outhouse.  She laughed and said she remembered that part too and she told me a little about herself, where she had grown up, and how she had met Leonard's grandpa.

It's one of my favorite things, listening to older people tell stories.  I think it might be a little odd for someone in my generation, but I do.  I love to hear someone narrate their own slice of history, to know what obscure details they remember, and to watch their faces...the eyes go off into the distance, a small smile creeps into the corners of their mouths as they remember the good times...and if I'm really lucky, they forget for a minute that I'm even there and it seems like they are reliving that happy memory again as they say it out loud...  And I was lucky today, when Leonard's grandma started telling me about how she met Leonard's granddad and all these sweet details that led to them getting married and spending their whole lives together...I got to watch her live those moments again.

Leonard and I left the way we came: in a barrage of hugs and 'glad to meet you' with a few 'see you next weeks' thrown in there.  It's been a long time since I got to be a part of something like today...when I was a kid at my grandma's, yes...but it's been a long time since she passed and she was the person that held everyone together.  Since then, my family consists of mom and my sisters and brother and their families...and even then, I don't get to see them very much.  But today was a really happy day, getting to feel like a part of a family again.

When we got to Leonard's house, we laid on the couch and watched old movies till it was time for bed.  I love old movies, for the same reason as old people's stories, I guess...because I get to see history...what people's lives were like.  I don't know why I'm so fascinated with other lives, but I am.

It seems to me that every choice we make must spin out in a million different unanticipated directions and that we have no idea what might have happened had we just done one thing differently.  Maybe that's why I like to know personal history so much...it's like a fact finding mission...taking results and getting averages on what the outcome of a certain action was...if you do this, then this will happen...if you don't do this, then that will happen.  And maybe then I'll know how to make better choices...because I know how it turned out in other people's stories.

I don't know...it's past my bedtime...no more philosophizing tonight.  I'm going to put on my pj's and crawl into bed and have the arms of someone who I love very much around me...maybe one day, somewhere in the distant future, I'll tell Leonard's and my story to some other girl who's trying to make her own good decisions.  It will be the best story ever.

April 9 2011

"She had the shivers and butterflies inside."
"In one kiss, you'll know all I haven't said."-Pablo Neruda

Today, Leonard and I spent our first day together.  Or...well...together...as a couple...

I woke up curled next to him on his couch, leaning against his chest, his arm around me.  I leaned my head back and looked at his face, so peaceful and sweet.  He woke up when I moved and smiled at me...when he smiles, he gets these little wrinkles in the corners of his eyes...laugh lines, I think they're called.  I love those lines...

It's silly, but I felt a little nervous.  I've known Leonard a long time, but...I don't know...I found myself feeling...different.  I was a little...nervous?  No, that's not quite it...expectant? Curious?  I'm still not quite sure.  I think everything feels a little surreal...I've wanted this for such a long time, and now, here it is, in my hands...

He lit a cigarette and we carried in my stuff from his truck.  It's Saturday, so there wasn't anywhere either of us had to be...we just went through the house, putting my stuff away...he had made space in the last few days.  It wasn't that hard, I didn't bring a lot.  I didn't need a lot...  When we were done, I took a shower and changed clothes.  

While he showered, I cooked breakfast.  That seems like a little thing, but I didn't do it very much before.  Today, for him, I wanted to...and I wanted to keep my hands busy.  Cooking and baking...that's what I do when I get nervous and don't know what else to do.

When it was ready we ate...at the kitchen table...like adults.  Andy and I never did that..we always ate in front of the TV.  Always.  Eating at the table...again, it's a little thing.  But feeling like you have someone's full attention...that's not so little.  It's nice.

  When we finished eating, he asked me if I was feeling nervous.  I smiled and nodded.  Between the food and the fact that I was being quiet, he said, he figured I was.  He got up and put the plates in the sink and went into the other room.  When he came back in, he had a pack of cards in his hands.  He dealt out the cards and we played Rummy.  I'm good at it...I usually win...except against him...he's got some kind of voodoo magic at it, I swear...  Him crushing me at cards made me feel normal again.  I relaxed and we had fun, just being silly and stupid.  We played until we were hungry again.

He took me out to Amigos, the Mexican restaurant in town, and we ate and had a beer.  And talked and laughed...and talked and laughed...  Even our silences weren't awkward ones.  With anybody else, I hate lulls in the conversation...I always start babbling on and on when they happen.  When I'm with him, though, I don't feel the need to fill that empty space with chatter.  I can just be and the quiet is ok.

We finished eating and he drove us back to his place.  When we walked in the door, he grabbed my hand, pulled me to him and  kissed me.  He is a master of surprise kisses...and I am a big fan of an unexpected kiss...when it comes from him.

I had always thought that I didn't like kissing.  I avoided it...I didn't understand why people liked it so much...  The first time he ever kissed me, I realized that anyone who had ever kissed me before was doing it wrong...  With him, when he kisses me, I understand all those crazy references...fireworks, time standing still...all of it.  He made me understand what the fuss was all about.

What started out as a surprise kiss, turned more...sensual...passionate...romance novel words for the hubba hubba kind of kiss...a kind of kiss I am not really used to.  I never got that kind of kiss from Andy...which finally makes sense, I suppose.

So, this was it...the lead up to...what do you call it?  Consummation?  No...that's not it...I just have to say it...making love...more romance novel words...  Yeah, that's it...that kiss...that beautiful, amazing, singular kiss was the slow, sweet start on the path to the bedroom...where we made love.  I've never used that terminology before, it's never applied before...but today, what we did...that's the only way I know to say it.  And I feel so idiotic saying it...like I'm one of those girls now...the ones that walk around with stars in their eyes and can't stop swooning over their man and blah blah blah.  But there it is...I am that girl.  The girl who gets to make love.  The girl who someone wants...the girl someone wants to touch...to caress even...to hold, to kiss, and to cuddle with.  I am that girl.

April 8, 2011

"She was a little surprised."

Wow.  What do I even say?  I...did not see this coming...

I just...wow...  Wow.

Last night, I told Andy that I was leaving with Leonard.  I was calm...for about a second.  And then I cried...I felt so bad.  I thought I was going to break him or something, I guess.

He laughed.  He laughed and hugged me.  And said "Finally!"

And then, he really surprised me:

"I'm gay."

And then I think my brain exploded...or I had a stoke...or a heart attack...or just...yeah, no, my brain exploded for sure.

I kind of thought it was a joke...a horrible joke where he says something really distracting so that he could then stab me to death with a kitchen knife while I was still in shock...

But no, he was serious.  Super, super serious.

He told me that he had known for a long time, but didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to tell me, because he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  He was just glad to be able to say it out loud at last.

I just stared at him with glazed over eyes, waiting for the kitchen knife stabbing to happen...when it didn't, I asked him for how long.

"I don't know, probably forever...  I think I knew when we got married, but I didn't want it to be true...and you were such a nice person...I thought I could make it with you.  ...I kind of thought you would...I don't know...turn me?  I didn't want to be gay.  I didn't want to admit it to myself...and you were a way out of thinking about it.  And then, we made such good friends that I didn't want to mess that up."

I think my brain exploded again.   I asked him: "Have you...been with anyone?  You know, with a wiener?  ...in a sexy way?"  

"Justin.  It's always been Justin."  Justin was Andy's roommate when I met him.  I actually met Justin first and he introduced me to Andy.  And then I lived with them...and then Andy and I got married...

"But...I don't...before we were married or after?"

"Both."

Is it right that I got a little mad?  After everything I've done to Andy...is it fair that I am a little upset about this?  Like how I could have been with someone else for all these years?  Like how guilty I felt for lying and cheating and not caring about him in spousal way...and how he let me think it was all my fault.  I don't know if it was right, but I have to admit that I did, for a minute, get mad.

When I think about it though, I guess I should have seen it...I guess there were instances where I questioned it before...but I chalked it up to my own guilty conscience making excuses for my behavior...  I think I would have believed it about anybody...anybody...other than Andy.  And I told him so.

We talked, Andy and me and Leonard, for most of the night.  Andy wasn't ready to come out of the closet...not to his parents especially..not to anyone else for that matter.  But he said he had wanted, for a long time, to tell me...and to be with Justin freely.  He was afraid that he wouldn't be accepted for who he was...he admitted that there were times he really resented me because he felt like I was the one who stood in the way of his happiness.  Which, I pointed out, was mildly ironic, because I felt the same way about him.  

I told Andy to tell his parents whatever he wanted...that it was my fault, I left him...whatever he needed to.  I understand his reluctance to come out to them...they're not exactly the most non-judgmental people out there...and, technically, it's not a lie, I did leave him.  ...it just turned out a lot differently than I expected it to.

I did leave with Leonard last night...or, really, very early this morning...but with the promise that we'd still come see Andy...we were the only people besides Justin who knew, and now he had people who he could be completely himself with.  He wants for us to stay friends...and I think that I'd like that too.

I didn't expect to leave our house still being friends with Andy.  I think I need a little bit of time to process what happened.  It's a huge relief that the confrontation part is over...and that it wasn't a huge fight like I thought it would be.  But I keep thinking this is all just a weird dream and I'll wake up and it will still be the morning before I tell him.  I have pinched myself several times over the course of the day, and I'm not dreaming...it just feels that way.

When we left last night, we went to Leonard's place.  We talked about what happened for a while, and ended up falling asleep on the couch, both of us worn out from the day...and maybe because all the waiting is over.  We're together at last.  We've got our beginning.

  

April 7, 2011

"She knew it was time."

Today's the day.  As much as I dread the conflict that's about to happen, I need it to be over with.  Like peeling off a band-aid, it needs to be done quickly.  There's no reason to prolong it.  Even though it will hurt, I know it needs to happen.

I left the house this morning as though I was going to work, but I just drove into town and sat at Sycamore Shoals Park where I knew no one would see me.  I waited until I knew Andy had left for work and then drove back to the house.

There isn't much I wanted to take, but there were a few things that meant something to me: the quilt that grandma made me when I was a kid, the first present I ever got (a little stuffed dog mom got when she was still in the hospital with me), family photos...that kind of stuff.  I cleared my clothes out of the closet and dresser and packed them into two small suitcases.  Anything worth money, I left for Andy to sell...I think it's only fair.

It seems strange that all my life, almost 28 years, fits neatly into 3 Rubbermaid totes and 2 suitcases.

The fact that I travel light probably goes back to growing up how I did.  Pretty much every year at tax time, the U-Haul would be rented and we'd load the truck and be gone.  We had to, I guess.  Dad lied so much and it was only a matter of time before people started figuring him out...then it was time to go again.  He wasn't a very good person...  I'm sure that's why I hate confrontation so much.  Dad would be so violently angry over anything that didn't go his way, no matter how insignificant it was.

Andy has either never understood, or never cared, why yelling bothers me so much.  In his family, that's practically their only means of communication.  For me, though, I get sick to my stomach when I hear an argument.  Andy never had a finger laid on him as a child and so he's never thought twice about raising his voice to me.  The first time we ever argued, he came towards me and I flinched.  He asked, almost disgustedly: "Did you think I was gonna hit you?"  And the truth is, I did expect it.  I think after that, for a while, he tried to tone down the yelling.  But time makes people forget...some people anyway...and eventually, he didn't seem to remember how much fighting bothered me.

I'll give Andy this: he's never hit me.  He's just learned to use my hatred of conflict in a different way, one where I don't disagree with him so that I don't start a fight...  I almost respect how strategically he learned to use my past against me...not maliciously, but selfishly, to get his way.

Anger is the one emotion I still struggle with.  I know I should be angry for the things that have happened to me in my life.  But it's hard to feel angry without feeling guilt.  I don't want to be like my father, and anger is what I remember most about him.

The crazy thing is that anger is what made me realize that I finally had emotions.  I remember being at the house with Andy, Leonard, and another of Andy's friends, Jake.  We had all been drinking, and Leonard asked me if I wanted a cigarette.  This was before I smoked...and I said no, of course, and for the rest of the night, he'd blow smoke in my face at every chance he got.  This was a game between us...when I was sober, it was mildly hilarious...I don't remember how it started, but when I wasn't drinking it was funny as hell.  That particular day, I didn't think it was funny and I asked him to stop.  And he did it again.  "Leonard, stop it!" more annoyed this time.  When he did it again, I had had enough and it took everything big, burly Jake had to hold me back...I was dead set on kicking Leonard's ass.  ...this was the day it was decided that I couldn't drink Vodka because it made me angry...  But in reality, that anger, that I had never felt before, in that moment, long before he ever kissed me, made me realize that I had feelings for Leonard.  

I understand now that, aside from not wanting to be like my dad, a big part of why I shy away from anger is that I don't like feeling as though I'm not in control.  And that's probably the only thing that's saved me from being an alcoholic or getting into the drugs like everyone else around me.  And maybe that's another reason I don't like confrontation...because it is messy.  People get mad and lose control of what they say.  And I don't know what the outcome will be...I can't control it.  And I'm afraid of what will be said or done in the heat of the moment.  

I'm nervous now.  I can't sit still.  Leonard is on his way over.  Andy will be home shortly after that.  And then the inevitable conflict will start...and a painful ending will be the beginning of something new for all of us.

April 6, 2011

I slept on it another night.

I thought I might have trouble sleeping with everything that's been going on...it's a huge change I'm contemplating...but it wasn't the case.  Last night was actually the first peaceful rest I've had in a long time.  Usually, I can't fall asleep and when I finally do, it's fitful....I find myself waking up every other hour.  But I slept clear through til morning, not opening my eyes even once.

I thought about my decision at work all day yesterday, because I promised Leonard that I would, and I still know that I am making the right choice.  For once, my logic and my feelings agree on something...maybe that's why I finally had a decent night's sleep.

There's only one thing I worry about regarding this whole situation...and that's the confrontation.  

I hate confrontation.  I do have some kind of feelings for Andy, and I don't want to hurt him.  Part of me knows that I could keep on faking it...I'm pretty much an expert at faking it...but that's not a good enough life for either of us.  Andy deserves someone who loves him...everybody does.  I'm just not that person in his case, and it's not fair to hold him back from his own chance at happiness.

But he's not going to see it that way.  Despite my desire for it to be so, no relationship ever ended by shaking hands and walking away.  That's not how it happens.  It's much more messy than that.  There will be yelling and name calling and accusations thrown around that aren't true...but it won't matter that they're not true because he'll be hurt; there's no way of avoiding it.

Our marriage is like a bone that's out of it's socket.  There's going to have to be a period of excruciating pain before things will be set right.  You can't walk around with a dislocated bone for the rest of your life just to avoid the pain.

It's not like I haven't hurt Andy before.  I haven't been a very good wife to him.  I've cheated on him...more than once.  There were times guilt got the best of me and I told him...there were other times when I just ended it and said nothing.  He didn't need to know about it because it always ended up the same: he was over it in a matter of days.  He might have hated me on more than one occasion...he might always hate me, I don't know...but he hates change more.  And I think that's a big part of what makes this confrontation so difficult.  Because this time, the choice is mine.  I'm going away and I'm not coming back.  And things will change for him forever.

Besides that, Leonard is Andy's friend...they grew up together.  I feel bad for that part of it too.

I want to say that if the situations were reversed, I would want my friend to be happy, despite what it cost me.  Of course, that's easy to say when you're on the other side.

A friend of mine once asked me why, since I had cheated on Andy before, had I not cheated on him with Leonard.  I told her it probably depended on what your definition of cheating was...is kissing cheating?  "Sex." was her response.  I had to think before I could answer her...

I told her, in a way, I have cheated with Leonard...an emotional affair.  And the kissing...there's the kissing.  A lot of people don't see kissing as cheating, but I wonder how they'd feel if they saw someone they loved (and who supposedly loved them) making out with another person...  

Maybe the kissing thing didn't feel like cheating to me either...but the emotional part of it seems like I have.  I mean, I didn't feel anything before I got to know Leonard...all of my emotions feel as if they originated with him...I didn't have them before I met him, so he must have given them to me.  I think that probably counts as cheating...

But sex...why have I never had sex with Leonard?  That's tricky.  It's not as if I don't want to.  It's not as if he hasn't been...ready and willing. It's not as if I haven't cheated before with other guys...  

I guess the answer goes back to emotion.  

Before Leonard, I didn't have feelings.  So sex was purely a physical thing...a natural response to a body's urges.  If Andy wasn't willing to give me what I needed, there was someone else who would.  

I feel for Leonard.  All those other guys, they were just a means to an end...they were as replaceable to me as I was to them.  But with Leonard, I don't want to just have a physical experience.  With him, I want to love him...to make love to him...however people say it.  I want to show him that he's not the same as any of the other men I've been with...he means something to me.  He's too good for a one time, heat-of-the-moment mistake.  He's not interchangeable...I only want him.  No one else could take his place.

I don't know if my friend understood what I meant...it's hard to put it into words. Before she asked me, I had never thought about it.  She was right to point out the strangeness of it...it is odd.  But it isn't even a question for me.  I just know, no matter how much I want it, my waiting to have sex with Leonard is proof to myself that I love him....I really, truly love him.

April 5, 2011

When we talked yesterday, Leonard told me to take a few days and think it over.  Am I sure this is how I feel?  Am I sure this is what I want, or was I just afraid because of a silly dream...when the dream faded, would I still feel the same?

But even now, the dream seems like a distant memory, and I've never been more sure of anything in my life.

I can understand, though, his wanting to do things this way.  And I promised him that I would think about it before I told Andy.

Leonard, on the other hand, didn't waste any time breaking up with that girl.  It wasn't even an hour after leaving the mountain yesterday that he gave her the boot.  I'd feel bad about it if she wasn't such a witch.  The only thing she seemed to care about was the fact that he always had money to spend on her.  They'd been together for a few months, and she wouldn't even meet any of his friends.  I only met her by accident one day when I was grocery shopping.  I tried to be friendly and she was impatient to leave and not making any attempt to hide it.  She basically said outright that she had better things to do than stand there and talk to me.  Leonard had pulled out his wallet, handed her some cash and told her to go checkout and then stood there and talked to me for at least twenty minutes....just to piss her off.  I'd like to say I don't understand why he stayed with her these past few months, but then again, I've been married to someone I'm not happy with for more than seven years, so it'd be more than just a little hypocritical if I did.

Honestly, Andy's not a bad guy.  We make pretty good roommates.  And I'd be lying if I said that I didn't care about him in some way.  After living together for so many years, I know that I do have feelings for him...just not the kind of feelings a wife should have for her husband.  We were so young when we met, both of us from somewhat sheltered lives...we only knew each other for three months before we got married.  We didn't know each other, and really, we didn't even know ourselves...we were barely adults.  I think neither one of us knew what we actually wanted...we were just in the same place at the same time...I doubt either one of us put much thought into the future.  The future seems so far away when you're young.

A year into our marriage, Andy told me that the only reason he asked me to marry him was because it was the only way his parents would let us stay in their house.  The crazy thing about it is that it didn't upset me when he told me that...sure it was kind of a blow to my ego...but did it break my heart, no.

Andy doesn't know it, but after he told me that, I started visiting a therapist, in part because of my reaction...or lack of one...to what he said.  It took a while, but eventually, I was diagnosed me with Emotional Deprivation Disorder.

I remember telling the doctor that all my life I've understood the concept of love, I understood that people loved me, but I didn't feel it...from them or for them.  I didn't really have emotions, and what little bit I did have were ignored, denied, repressed...whatever you call it...I understood that I should feel a certain way, but never actually felt it...

The cure for EDD is affirmation.  It felt so ridiculous to have a mental illness where the cure is having someone telling you motivational slogans all the time...you are loved, you are lovable, you are worthwhile...there's more to it than that, but at the time, that's how I saw it.  In reality, the cure is someone taking a genuine interest in you...showing you, instead of telling you, that you are loved...that you matter.  The hard part about that for me, and maybe for all people with EDD, is that in all my situations, I felt...interchangeable...

In my family, I was loved because I was a daughter or a sister...Andy loved me because I was a way for him to not have to live with his parents...he loved me because I was an extra paycheck...the therapist offered affirmation because it was his job, if I quit paying him, he'd quit seeing me...in all those situations, any girl could have taken my place.  It wasn't about me as an individual...I was easily replaceable by anyone else.  So none of the affirmation that should have worked actually did.

Shortly after I was diagnosed, I stopped going to therapy.  It wasn't changing anything...it wasn't helping me.  I just accepted that I was the way I was and I'd always be that way.  It wasn't so bad to be emotionless...it was the only thing I had ever known.  Accepting it was the only logical thing to do, and being logical is an easy thing to do for someone without emotions...

All that changed when I met Leonard.  Well, not right away, but eventually...

Sometimes I wish I could say that I knew there was something special about him the first time I saw him, but that's not how it was at all.

The only thing I remember about meeting him for the first time was his hair.  He's got that red hair, and when we met, it was shoulder length and he had this stupid scraggly beard/mustache combo...put him in some tie dye and bell bottoms and he'd have looked like he was straight off the magic bus from the 60s.  I think I had him pegged as another one of Andy's drugged out friends...and I suppose I was right...but when I got to know him, he turned out to be so much more than that.

Leonard had just moved back to this side of Tennessee after getting out of rehab and breaking up with a fiance who didn't want to give up the drugs.  He might have been a drugged out weirdo at one point, but he'd been through a lot to make a change.

Andy had told him that day that he should come by the house and it wasn't long before he did.  The next time I saw him, he had gotten his hair cut and had trimmed his shaggy beard into a goatee...it was a drastic change for the better.  You could see his face now...it wasn't hard to notice how handsome he was anymore.

I've always been good with faking friendliness with people, but I didn't have to do that with him.  He was nice...and funny...I laughed so hard I remember my sides were hurting the next day.

Because he was away for so long and because he was trying to stay clean and most of his old friends were still living the life, he ended up coming over to our house more and more.  It didn't take long until he was there every Friday night like clockwork, staying til Sunday evening.  At first, it irritated me...it seemed like too much...but in time, it just wasn't the weekend without him at the house.

The more I got to know him, the less he got to be "some druggie friend of Andy's" and the more he became my friend too.  I began to see different aspects of his personality.  He was funny, yes, but when you needed him to be, he was serious.  I could talk to him about things without feeling judged...without being pressured into agreeing with him just to appease him.  If I asked him for advice, he'd lay out my options in front of me without inserting his own opinion.  He'd say "Here are your choices...now what do you want to do?"  I don't think anyone else had ever been very interested in what I wanted.  Overtime, he came to be my closest friend.

And then, out of the blue one Sunday morning, he kissed me...and I kissed him back.  To say I was blindsided by it would be an understatement.  Leonard is the kind of guy that much prettier girls than me would give their right arm to be with.  I never saw it coming...I thought I was just one of the guys.  But that's not how Leonard saw it.

Somehow, Leonard managed to give me the affirmation that I had given up on.  He didn't just tell me he cared about me...that I was lovable...that he loved me...he showed me.  Over and over.  He listened to me.  He did things for me without me even asking...he just did it because he wanted to.  He was always there when I needed him to be.  No one else had ever been that for me.

The thing is, for him, I wasn't interchangeable.  He had no reason to care about me.  I wasn't family.  He didn't need me for money.  I'm not the prettiest, thinnest, sexiest girl around...and he could have had that girl...  I wasn't easy.  There was no reason for him to like me other than the fact that I was me.  And he gave me so much concrete proof that he truly cared for me, my logical brain and I had no choice but to believe it.  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, he loved me...he loves me...only for being me.  No one else has ever taken the time or put forth the effort to make me feel that way.

April 4, 2011 at 4:15 PM

"She wondered if he remembered."

I just got home from talking to Leonard.  I don't know what I expected to happen exactly...but I never would have thought in a million years that it would have went like it did.  All of these words kept flying out of my mouth and I was thinking the whole time What are you doing? What are you saying?  Then it was all over and I came home...and I feel like a completely different person...better and lighter somehow. 

When I called Leonard, I asked him to meet me at Wautaga Dam.  It's still cold up there, so I knew we would have some privacy.  I have a hard enough time saying what I really think.  With a bunch of people around, there's no way I could have done it.

Just like always, he came through for me...he pulled in barely a minute after I did.  The parking lot was empty and I got out of my car and went and sat with him in his truck.  I know it must have been chilly there on the mountain, but I was so nervous I didn't really feel it.  I was shaking so bad from nerves, though, that when I climbed in the seat and shut the door, Leonard jacked up the heat.

He asked me if I was OK.  "No."  ...it was all I could do to reply.

"Did something happen?"  I nodded.  He said OK and then he waited for me to start.  I almost didn't.  I was so scared...shaken up by the dream, and afraid of what his reaction might be.  But, as crazy as it seems, I was more afraid of what would happen if I didn't tell him about it.

Finally I spoke up.  I told him about the dream, about how real it was, and about how I couldn't keep it to myself.  I half expected him to pick on me about getting so worked up over a stupid dream, but he didn't.  He just sat there listening to me...

After I told him all that, I asked him if he remembered, years ago, when Andy and I still lived at the old house.  Did he remember?  He nodded.  I was shaking so hard that the whole truck was starting to rock...

And did he remember being at the house a specific Sunday morning when, while Andy was sleeping off one of his binge nights, I was standing in the kitchen drinking tea and he snuck up on me, took the cup, set it on the counter and, in one movement, pushed me against the kitchen wall and kissed me...did he remember that?  He smiled slightly in the corners of his mouth and nodded.

And did he remember, a few months later when he was about to go back out of town to work, asking me to go with him and that I said I couldn't...I couldn't be that person...it wasn't right...it wasn't moral...it wasn't fair to Andy...Did he remember what he said to me then?

"I said if you ever changed your mind to call me, no matter where I was, and I would come get you."

And I asked "Did you mean it?  Do you still mean it?  Because I changed my mind.  It's taken me a long time...maybe too long...but I finally see it.  I don't want to live my life and you not be a part of it.  I don't feel that way about anyone else.  As much as I've tried, I don't.  I've fought so hard to feel that for Andy, to be a good wife to him, but I just don't feel it and I can't fight anymore.  So did you mean it?  Do you still?  Because I've changed my mind and I want to go with you."

He didn't answer me right away.  For what seemed like a long while, he just looked at me.  And I thought I'd made a mistake telling him all of it.  That things were different now...that it was the past...that he didn't feel that way anymore...

Then, without looking away from me, he took my hand from my lap and wrapped it with his.

"Have I ever lied to you?"  I shook my head no...it's always been one of my favorite things about him...that he's always told me the truth, even when it was something I didn't want to hear.

"Don't you remember what else I said to you that day?  I told you: I will always feel this way.  I will always come back for you.  I've never once lied to you.  I meant it then.  I still do.  I loved you...and I've loved you for a long time.  Quietly...secretly...I kept it to myself because I knew you were trying to do right by Andy...but I couldn't help loving you.  I feel the same today as I did then and I will always feel this way.  I will never not love you."

And that was all I could stand, I guess, because I started to cry...hard and uncontrollably.  Leonard held my hand until I had calmed down enough to talk again.

"What do we do now?" I asked.  And we talked it over till we figured it out.

April 4, 2011

"She chose to take a chance."

I had a crazy dream last night.  I never dream...or at least I never remember dreaming.  But I remember this one.  

It started out the same as last night, except instead of saying something before he left, I just let Leonard go.  I didn't say anything or even hug him goodbye like I always do.  I just let "I don't care what you do" be the last words I said.  And when he left the house, there was an earthquake.  The ground split open and he fell into the hole it left.  And the craziest part of it was that no one except me seemed to notice.  Everybody just went on about their lives as if this terrible, inexplicable thing hadn't happened.  I must have dreamed the whole night long, because it seemed like the dream went on and on.  Day after day of monotony, with no one but me seeing this huge hole in the world.  In the dream, I lived that life...all the dull daily tasks, washing clothes and going to work and brushing my teeth and grocery shopping...I did all that stuff in this dream over and over...all while carefully walking around this gigantic crack in the earth.  And it was so real.  I think, after this, I can finally understand how people believe in visions. 

It scared me.

When I finally woke up, I was drenched in sweat, sitting straight up in the bed, barely able to catch my breath.  I'm still shaking as I'm writing this.

I told Andy I felt sick...as if he cares...and stayed home from work today.  And it's not a lie...I do feel sick.  But, bigger than that, the truth is I feel like something's been rattled lose...something I've kept buried for a long time.

I'm only waiting for Andy to get done in the shower and leave before I call Leonard.  

I have to talk to him...he's never let me down before.  God, I hope he answers...  My skin is crawling and I just don't seem to be able to shake it off.  

He'll calm me down.  He always knows what to say when I get like this.  

I feel so stupid.  It was just a dream...but I can't let it go.  I have to see him.  I have to tell him everything.  Before I lose my nerve.

April 3, 2011

"She kept seeing his face."

Leonard was here when I got home tonight.  Him and that girl he's been dating got into a fight.  Again.

He was sitting on the couch watching Andy play some dumb video game.  When I walked past them, he held up a handful of Roxies and some other pills...I don't know what they were...and asked if he could do them here.

In the past, I've always told him that he was welcome at the house, but not his pills.  In all the years I've known him, he's never tested me on the issue before.  As a matter of fact, he quit for a long time...he only started again when he and that dumb cow got together.

Normally, I'd have done something different...at the very least, I'd have stood my ground and told him not in my house.  But I had the worst day and I wasn't thinking and I just blurted out "Do what you want.  I don't care what you do."

I just wasn't in the mood for it.  I went in and sat down at the computer and payed bills while Andy played his game and Leonard did his druggie thing.  But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  I kept going back and forth trying to decide whether to say something or not.  I didn't want to start a fight with Andy, I was already in a bad mood.  I couldn't decide.

So I sat there, trying to pay bills, but not getting any of them done because something was just yelling at me to speak up.  And that went on til Leonard was ready to go.

I don't know what made me do it...just that nagging feeling, I guess.  But when he peeked his head around the corner to say bye, I got up and hugged him as hard as I could.  I told him not to ever even think about asking to do that crap in my house again.  We care about what happens to him.  I said: "I don't want to see you waste your life.  You're worth much too much for that."

He looked at me for a minute with the oddest expression on his face.  Then he leaned back in, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek, said 'see you next time' and headed out.

Since he left, I keep thinking about the strange expression he had on his face.  I can't concentrate on anything else.  I just keep seeing that look on his face when I said he was worth too much to waste his life.  It's like it's been seared into my mind...

Rewriting History

"She chose to rewrite history."

First, a short introduction:

In my real life, the anniversary of the death of someone I loved very much is coming up soon.  I have struggled with his suicide for a long time.  And somehow I have managed to get through it.  I have moved on as much as a person possibly can.

I heard about fake journaling a while ago and was recently scrolling through Pinterest and saw a link to THIS website, and it put it in my mind again.

  I feel like I have to do this.  I think about how things could have been from time to time. ..not obsessively like I used to, but I do think about it. 

April is fake journaling month (according to that website) and I am going to participate in it.  ...in my own way...I don't know if I'm doing the fake journaling thing right, but I'll be doing it right for me...  I'm not sure that I can keep up with it on a daily basis (I'll try, but no guarantees) , but I will be doing at least 30 posts in this vein.  After that, who knows what will happen with this site...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The story I will be telling is the perfect version of my life.  It's not meant to be uber realistic or to be a pathway back down the road of obsession.  But somewhere out there in the grand scheme of things, we all deserve our happy ending.  That's the story I want to tell.

"She chose to rewrite history."

From this point forward, I'll be writing as though it was three years ago.  All the things that have happened in my life in that time frame did not occur.  I'll be keeping an art journal to go along with all the posts, and sharing that as well.  If you know me from my other blog (which you can find HERE), you will hopefully see a difference between that art and what I share here...as well as a difference in writing style and my personality...if I get it right anyway...  And if you don't know me from Sweet Red Clover, go check me out...

I hope this will be an interesting read at least, or that you'll like looking at the pretty pictures...but if not, that's ok.  It's not for you, really.  It's for me and my purposes.  

If fake journaling is something your interested in, I hope you'll try it in your own way.  I'd love to see your work, so please feel free to leave a link in the comments if you're already fake journaling, or if you'd like to start out doing it along with me.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but I really wouldn't mind having somebody on the same flight as me.