April 4, 2011

"She chose to take a chance."

I had a crazy dream last night.  I never dream...or at least I never remember dreaming.  But I remember this one.  

It started out the same as last night, except instead of saying something before he left, I just let Leonard go.  I didn't say anything or even hug him goodbye like I always do.  I just let "I don't care what you do" be the last words I said.  And when he left the house, there was an earthquake.  The ground split open and he fell into the hole it left.  And the craziest part of it was that no one except me seemed to notice.  Everybody just went on about their lives as if this terrible, inexplicable thing hadn't happened.  I must have dreamed the whole night long, because it seemed like the dream went on and on.  Day after day of monotony, with no one but me seeing this huge hole in the world.  In the dream, I lived that life...all the dull daily tasks, washing clothes and going to work and brushing my teeth and grocery shopping...I did all that stuff in this dream over and over...all while carefully walking around this gigantic crack in the earth.  And it was so real.  I think, after this, I can finally understand how people believe in visions. 

It scared me.

When I finally woke up, I was drenched in sweat, sitting straight up in the bed, barely able to catch my breath.  I'm still shaking as I'm writing this.

I told Andy I felt sick...as if he cares...and stayed home from work today.  And it's not a lie...I do feel sick.  But, bigger than that, the truth is I feel like something's been rattled lose...something I've kept buried for a long time.

I'm only waiting for Andy to get done in the shower and leave before I call Leonard.  

I have to talk to him...he's never let me down before.  God, I hope he answers...  My skin is crawling and I just don't seem to be able to shake it off.  

He'll calm me down.  He always knows what to say when I get like this.  

I feel so stupid.  It was just a dream...but I can't let it go.  I have to see him.  I have to tell him everything.  Before I lose my nerve.

April 3, 2011

"She kept seeing his face."

Leonard was here when I got home tonight.  Him and that girl he's been dating got into a fight.  Again.

He was sitting on the couch watching Andy play some dumb video game.  When I walked past them, he held up a handful of Roxies and some other pills...I don't know what they were...and asked if he could do them here.

In the past, I've always told him that he was welcome at the house, but not his pills.  In all the years I've known him, he's never tested me on the issue before.  As a matter of fact, he quit for a long time...he only started again when he and that dumb cow got together.

Normally, I'd have done something different...at the very least, I'd have stood my ground and told him not in my house.  But I had the worst day and I wasn't thinking and I just blurted out "Do what you want.  I don't care what you do."

I just wasn't in the mood for it.  I went in and sat down at the computer and payed bills while Andy played his game and Leonard did his druggie thing.  But the more I thought about it, the more it bothered me.  I kept going back and forth trying to decide whether to say something or not.  I didn't want to start a fight with Andy, I was already in a bad mood.  I couldn't decide.

So I sat there, trying to pay bills, but not getting any of them done because something was just yelling at me to speak up.  And that went on til Leonard was ready to go.

I don't know what made me do it...just that nagging feeling, I guess.  But when he peeked his head around the corner to say bye, I got up and hugged him as hard as I could.  I told him not to ever even think about asking to do that crap in my house again.  We care about what happens to him.  I said: "I don't want to see you waste your life.  You're worth much too much for that."

He looked at me for a minute with the oddest expression on his face.  Then he leaned back in, hugged me hard and kissed me on the cheek, said 'see you next time' and headed out.

Since he left, I keep thinking about the strange expression he had on his face.  I can't concentrate on anything else.  I just keep seeing that look on his face when I said he was worth too much to waste his life.  It's like it's been seared into my mind...

Rewriting History

"She chose to rewrite history."

First, a short introduction:

In my real life, the anniversary of the death of someone I loved very much is coming up soon.  I have struggled with his suicide for a long time.  And somehow I have managed to get through it.  I have moved on as much as a person possibly can.

I heard about fake journaling a while ago and was recently scrolling through Pinterest and saw a link to THIS website, and it put it in my mind again.

  I feel like I have to do this.  I think about how things could have been from time to time. ..not obsessively like I used to, but I do think about it. 

April is fake journaling month (according to that website) and I am going to participate in it.  ...in my own way...I don't know if I'm doing the fake journaling thing right, but I'll be doing it right for me...  I'm not sure that I can keep up with it on a daily basis (I'll try, but no guarantees) , but I will be doing at least 30 posts in this vein.  After that, who knows what will happen with this site...we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

The story I will be telling is the perfect version of my life.  It's not meant to be uber realistic or to be a pathway back down the road of obsession.  But somewhere out there in the grand scheme of things, we all deserve our happy ending.  That's the story I want to tell.

"She chose to rewrite history."

From this point forward, I'll be writing as though it was three years ago.  All the things that have happened in my life in that time frame did not occur.  I'll be keeping an art journal to go along with all the posts, and sharing that as well.  If you know me from my other blog (which you can find HERE), you will hopefully see a difference between that art and what I share here...as well as a difference in writing style and my personality...if I get it right anyway...  And if you don't know me from Sweet Red Clover, go check me out...

I hope this will be an interesting read at least, or that you'll like looking at the pretty pictures...but if not, that's ok.  It's not for you, really.  It's for me and my purposes.  

If fake journaling is something your interested in, I hope you'll try it in your own way.  I'd love to see your work, so please feel free to leave a link in the comments if you're already fake journaling, or if you'd like to start out doing it along with me.  I'm flying by the seat of my pants here, but I really wouldn't mind having somebody on the same flight as me.