April 8, 2011

"She was a little surprised."

Wow.  What do I even say?  I...did not see this coming...

I just...wow...  Wow.

Last night, I told Andy that I was leaving with Leonard.  I was calm...for about a second.  And then I cried...I felt so bad.  I thought I was going to break him or something, I guess.

He laughed.  He laughed and hugged me.  And said "Finally!"

And then, he really surprised me:

"I'm gay."

And then I think my brain exploded...or I had a stoke...or a heart attack...or just...yeah, no, my brain exploded for sure.

I kind of thought it was a joke...a horrible joke where he says something really distracting so that he could then stab me to death with a kitchen knife while I was still in shock...

But no, he was serious.  Super, super serious.

He told me that he had known for a long time, but didn't know what to do.  He didn't want to tell me, because he thought I wouldn't be able to handle it.  He was just glad to be able to say it out loud at last.

I just stared at him with glazed over eyes, waiting for the kitchen knife stabbing to happen...when it didn't, I asked him for how long.

"I don't know, probably forever...  I think I knew when we got married, but I didn't want it to be true...and you were such a nice person...I thought I could make it with you.  ...I kind of thought you would...I don't know...turn me?  I didn't want to be gay.  I didn't want to admit it to myself...and you were a way out of thinking about it.  And then, we made such good friends that I didn't want to mess that up."

I think my brain exploded again.   I asked him: "Have you...been with anyone?  You know, with a wiener?  ...in a sexy way?"  

"Justin.  It's always been Justin."  Justin was Andy's roommate when I met him.  I actually met Justin first and he introduced me to Andy.  And then I lived with them...and then Andy and I got married...

"But...I don't...before we were married or after?"

"Both."

Is it right that I got a little mad?  After everything I've done to Andy...is it fair that I am a little upset about this?  Like how I could have been with someone else for all these years?  Like how guilty I felt for lying and cheating and not caring about him in spousal way...and how he let me think it was all my fault.  I don't know if it was right, but I have to admit that I did, for a minute, get mad.

When I think about it though, I guess I should have seen it...I guess there were instances where I questioned it before...but I chalked it up to my own guilty conscience making excuses for my behavior...  I think I would have believed it about anybody...anybody...other than Andy.  And I told him so.

We talked, Andy and me and Leonard, for most of the night.  Andy wasn't ready to come out of the closet...not to his parents especially..not to anyone else for that matter.  But he said he had wanted, for a long time, to tell me...and to be with Justin freely.  He was afraid that he wouldn't be accepted for who he was...he admitted that there were times he really resented me because he felt like I was the one who stood in the way of his happiness.  Which, I pointed out, was mildly ironic, because I felt the same way about him.  

I told Andy to tell his parents whatever he wanted...that it was my fault, I left him...whatever he needed to.  I understand his reluctance to come out to them...they're not exactly the most non-judgmental people out there...and, technically, it's not a lie, I did leave him.  ...it just turned out a lot differently than I expected it to.

I did leave with Leonard last night...or, really, very early this morning...but with the promise that we'd still come see Andy...we were the only people besides Justin who knew, and now he had people who he could be completely himself with.  He wants for us to stay friends...and I think that I'd like that too.

I didn't expect to leave our house still being friends with Andy.  I think I need a little bit of time to process what happened.  It's a huge relief that the confrontation part is over...and that it wasn't a huge fight like I thought it would be.  But I keep thinking this is all just a weird dream and I'll wake up and it will still be the morning before I tell him.  I have pinched myself several times over the course of the day, and I'm not dreaming...it just feels that way.

When we left last night, we went to Leonard's place.  We talked about what happened for a while, and ended up falling asleep on the couch, both of us worn out from the day...and maybe because all the waiting is over.  We're together at last.  We've got our beginning.